Monday, December 19, 2011

The 20 Worst Videos Of 2011

Now this was hard. 2011 was a great year for really, really bad videos. I feel like people have just given up and either recycle something that took their fancy on YouTube or go for shock tactics by stripping off. Or both if you're Kelly Rowland. To make matters worse, Australia appears to be the world leader in shitty clips. If it was hot ten years ago in America, chances are you got the local equivalent this year. Yay? Admittedly, it's not all doom and gloom. Some of these efforts are hilarious and I think the winning/losing clip is a work of comedic genius. Let me know what you make of my choices in the comments!

20. Collide - Leona Lewis (Video)

Nobody wanted to see this horse-faced cunt in a bikini.

19. Unicorn - Pattyboy (Video)

New Zealand's King of Pop/self-proclaimed male Lady Gaga has polluted YouTube with some truly shocking videos. However, he is trying harder to be less rubbish and "Unicorn" is a step in the right direction - albeit not a big enough one. The toilet-paper outfit, bad choreography and ridiculous marriage to himself earn Pattyboy a spot on this list.

18. What Do You Take Me For? - Pixie Lott Feat. Pusha T (Video)

I know that it's fashionable to hate Pixie but I think her album is stunning. Haters are clearly intimidated by her powerful pipes and flawless beauty. Or perhaps they just saw this stinker. Who decided it was a good idea to turn Miss Lott into the prissy, white Beyoncé - complete with pussy-poppin' hood video? Possibly the least convincing urban transformation of all time.

17. The Edge Of Glory - Lady Gaga (Video)

And the award for the year's most disappointing video goes to "The Edge Of Glory". This is perhaps the only song on "Born This Way" that really lends itself to a meandering, over-the-top production. Everything about Fernando Garibay's anthem is epic - from the massive chorus to the now iconic sax solo. I wanted to see Lady Gaga drive off a cliff on a pink motorcycle and then use the pearly gates as a stripper pole when she landed in heaven. Instead, we get the Germ dancing on a fire escape. That's it. Literally.

16. Super Soaker - Bombs Away (Video)

A boat full of rough bitches shake their tits for attention in this desperate bid to attract the lowest common denominator. Imagine the "Home Girls" section of Picture magazine come to life.

15. When I Think About Sex - Osvaldo Suppino (Video)

Osvaldo is to Italy, what Pattyboy is to New Zealand ie. an epically untalented homosexual, who has spent far too many hours watching Lady Gaga videos on YouTube. The result is a showcase of bad fashion - a bedazzled Lakers singlet? - and worse choreography. The lowlight is when the budding pop star has sex with himself. Gross.

14. Get Together - Marta Sanchez (Video)

I stan for Marta. The Spanish Madonna has been a desperate publicity whore since before your fave was born, so she deserves our respect. But she's not going to get it when she's dancing around the club like a mutton-dressed-as-lamb stripper in some of the least flattering outfits ever captured on film. The Catwoman mask kills me. Marta, it's not hiding those wrinkles. It just makes you look like a victim of early onset dementia.

13. Not My Daddy - Eva (Video)

Eva must have the hottest mouth in LA. That's the only explanation I can think of for her amazing ability to get a record deal in the first place - let alone a song written by Ke$ha and a remix featuring Gucci Mane. Unfortunately, the plus-sized diva didn't get quite enough cash for the video. Bad special effects combine with cheap outfits and Eva's nasty feet to make this offering memorably awful.

12. Marry The Night - Lady Gaga (Video)

The time has come for Lady Gaga to take a year off. She is starting to suffer from diminishing returns both commercially and artistically. If you need proof look no further than "Marry The Night". It flopped miserably around the world and boasts perhaps her worst video yet. This self-indulgent vanity project is almost unwatchable. I enjoy the choreography towards the end but until someone edits it down to 5 minutes, I can't be bothered sitting through it again.

11. Lay It On Me - Kelly Rowland (Video)

You know, if Ms Kelly needs to act like a prostitute to sell records - then so be it. I love "Motivation" and think she looked incredibly sexy in the video. But let's just say lightning didn't strike twice. This scene-by-scene remake of Livvi Franc's "Now I'm That Bitch" is embarrassing. Kelendria looks like a man from certain angles and the onslaught of phallic imagery turns the clip into a parody. On the bright side, it's still a hot song.

10. The Reckoning - The Getaway Plan (Video)

You know your career is running on empty when you have to murder children to get attention.

9. Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears (Video)

What an horrendous way to launch a new album! This tragic mess highlighted everything that's wrong with Britney circa 2011 - the dead look in her eyes, her seeming inability to move and a palpable desperation to remind fans of former glories. No wonder "Femme Fatale" is yet to go Copper in most territories.

8. Radioactive - Brandon Hilton (Video)

If you thought Pattyboy and Osvaldo were sent straight from the bowels of hell, wait 'til you get a look at Brandon Hilton. The aspiring web celebrity turns delusion into an artform on "Radioactive". From the Gaga-lite fashion to Brandon's unfortunate facial expressions, everything about this video is cheap and overwhelmingly nasty.

7. Raining Diamonds - Ricki-Lee (Video)

Why are Australian videos so atrocious? "Raining Diamonds" is such an anthem and deserved an epic video to showcase Ricki-Lee's sexy new figure. Instead, she looks like an admittedly thin fool in this tacky trainwreck. The Barbarella-on-a-budget costumes are as ridiculous as they are unsuited to the lyrics - which I interpret as a mantra not to settle for second best in relationships. Don't even get me started on that cheap set and the plastic guns. This clip is so bad it momentarily made me long for Ricki-Lee's underrated fat phase.

6. 25/8 - Mary J. Blige (Video)

Speaking of great songs with shit videos, here's Mary J. Blige's hot mess "25/8". I honestly don't know what the director was thinking. Did he or she even listen to the song before deciding to stick the iconic diva in a room full of broke-down dancers in a twisted bid to re-create Kelly Rowland's awful "Commander" visual?

5. We Love - Sneaky Sound System (Video)

I wonder how the pitch for this national embarrassment went: "Imagine Miss Connie on a pedestal dressed as Marilyn Monroe - only we'll make her up to look like a sweaty mess, complete with a shiny face and smudged make-up. Then we'll have a couple perform random sex acts, you know, classy shit involving anal-beads. Only when the lights come on they're doing really innocuous things like cleaning the house! Amazing, right?"

4. Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy(Video)

Poor Jessica. I really don't understand how someone so pretty in real-life always looks like the before photo on What Not To Wear in her videos. And this lazy effort is heinous even by her low standards. What's with that fucking turban? "Inescapable" is probably the best Australian pop song of 2011 but the only nice thing I can say about this clip is that's an improvement on "Get Em Girls".

3. Fly - Nicki Minaj Feat. Rihanna (Video)

Onika and Rih-cycle wander around a plane crash in couture outfits looking like Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee on the set of Lost. The only this missing is Tyra Banks demanding more broken doll poses in this horrendous four minute episode of America's Next Top Model for low-rent whores.

2. All We Have - Natalie Bassingthwaighte (Video)

"All We Have" will go down in history as the Australian filmmaker's guide for what not to do in a music video. Everything about it is embarrassing. I could go on about the lame concept and bad lighting but the clip's biggest sin is making the star of the show look ridiculous. Natalie Bassingthwaigthe resembles an extra from Cocoon squeezed into a dress Lady Gaga rejected during The Fame era. It's not flattering and made worse by the fact she's surrounded by dancers young enough to be her grandchildren. American directors still make Madonna look good and she's a couple of minutes older than Nat - so why can't local talent do the same?

1. Liar Boy - Cindy and Sheila Rhyme (Below)

This was tough. I couldn't decide whether to crown "Liar Boy" the best or worst video of 2011. On the one hand, I'm here for these iconic divas and immediately downloaded their future pop classic from iTunes after seeing the clip. On the other hand, words cannot adequately describe how awful this is. Bad teeth, worse outfits, shocking dance moves and the dodgiest editing in recent memory make "Liar Boy" the most heinous (and hilarious) clip of the year.