Wednesday, December 28, 2011

The 10 Worst Albums Of 2011

Putting together a list of the year's worst albums was a daunting task. It involved re-listening to a bunch of aural abominations on the off-chance I was too harsh the first time around. Like last year when I included Taylor Swift's "Speak Now" and then had egg on my face when I re-visited it a couple of months ago and decided that Tay Tay's mega-seller was actually a triumph. However, I'm confident that I haven't made the same mistake this year! All ten of these albums give music a bad name and should be avoided at all costs. If you think I've forgotten anything let me know in the comments. And for the record - there is no "Born This Way". It's not brilliant but I'll take 4 or 5 good songs over none any day.

10. Soy La Mejor - Malena Gracia

Malena is the Spanish equivalent of Samantha Fox - only with no hits. That doesn't stop the former Playboy model applying (unsuccessfully) to represent Spain at Eurovision every year or her ability to churn out inane dance music at an alarming rate. I usually worship the ground this icon walks on but "Soy La Mejor" is so horrendously bad that even I have to draw the line somewhere. This entire album sounds like it was recorded in one take on Malena's busted iPhone. Avoid at all costs.

9. Siberia - Lights

Sometimes I hate bloggers. Along comes a pretty girl with a canny stylist and a couple of decent electro-pop songs and suddenly she's the next Robyn. Wrong. I simply refuse to join the frenzied circle jerk over this dire Canadian flop. With the exception of "Toes" and "Banner", Lights' debut album is as pretentious and mind-numbingly boring as her name. Come back, Annie. All is forgiven!

8. Wonder World - Wonder Girls

This makes me sad. The Wonder Girls were always my favourite K-Pop act and I was pulling for them to make it big in America. But if you want to be a success outside of Asia, then you need to leave the gimmicks behind and make music that matches (or preferably exceeds) the current international standard. Instead, the Korean stunners release a bunch of songs that Girls Aloud would have rejected in 2007. There isn't a fresh or interesting idea to be heard on this stilted mess. Give me "Spice World" any day.

7. Secret Codes And Battleships - Darren Hayes

While "Bloodstained Heart" is undoubtedly one of 2011's better singles, the rest of this meandering mess is Rufus Wainwright-lite for tiresome homosexuals of a certain age that don't know better. It's not too late for that Savage Garden reunion...
6. Vows - Kimbra

Kimbra is the real deal. I know it and so does anybody else with ears. She has a great voice and knows how to write a killer pop song (see "Settle Down"). So can someone please explain why I can only make it through the Kiwi's much-hyped debut with the aid of Valium and half a bottle of wine? "Vows" reminds me of Bic Runga's "Birds" - only without the melodies and raw emotional connection. What you're left with is pretty enough but ultimately unengaging and completely forgettable.

5. Cinderella's Eyes - Nicola Roberts

A stinking pile of fake hipster shit that makes Nadine Coyle's Tesco-only smash sound like "The Fame". Give up while you're behind.

4. Snapshots - Kim Wilde

I love Kim. She is a legend and I'll keep importing her stunning German releases until she throws in the towel but there's no excuse for "Snapshots". This abomination finds the English diva destroying classic pop songs by the likes of East 17's ("It's Alright") and Tasmin Archer ("Sleeping Satellite"). The thing that annoys me the most is that this could have been enormous fun. Instead, the weird arrangements and sombre mood make this a truly depressing experience.

3. + - Ed Sheeran

Who anointed this ginger cunt the new James Blunt?

2. Lulu - Metallica & Lou Reed

I was forced to review this insane mess for my day job and the task still haunts me. If Lou Reed mumbling bad poetry over Metallica songs is your cup of tea, then knock yourself out. The rest of us will just pretend that "Lulu" never happened.

1. Talk That Talk - Rihanna

The She By Shereé of pop albums.