I don't know if it's good luck to kick off a new year of blogging by wallowing in the worst that the previous 365 days had to offer. But fuck it, here goes. Most of the usual suspects are present but a couple of my faves like Vanessa Amorosi and Chris Brown also made the cut. I guess it just proves that everyone makes a shit song occasionally. The following twenty artists just did it better than most. Let me know what you think of my picks in the comments. I'm sure I forgot a bunch of stinkers but these are plenty bad enough!
20. Club Rocker - Inna Feat. Flo Rida (Audio)
I love Inna's Eurotrash anthems and quite like the original version of "Club Rocker" but tacking on a phoned-in Flo Rida rap in a desperate bid for American success drags this cheap and cheerful floorfiller into the dusty dumpster of popular music. Better luck next time, bitch.
19. When We Stand Together - Nickelback (Video)
It's easy to hate Nickelback. They make middle-of-the-road rock that hasn't evolved in a decade and boast the ugliest frontman in musical history but I'm not going to pretend I don't have a couple of their tracks on my iPod. However, their latest single is fuel for the haters. Trite lyrics and a cheesy chorus that Train would roll their eyes at make this a stinker for the ages.
18. S&M - Rihanna (Video)
The world's most famous victim of domestic violence records a song about the joys of being whipped and chained, putting feminism back 30 years. Thanks, RiRi.
17. International Love - Pitbull Feat. Chris Brown (Video)
Pitbull joining forces with Breezy should have been a good thing. At least in theory. So why does their collaboration basically consist of the duo yelling city names against a generic club beat that sounds like it was stolen from an Adrienne Bailon demo?
16. Oh Oh Oh Oh - Anthony Callea (Video)
Time to re-release "The Prayer" and hope for the best.
15. Let's Go To Vegas - Doll Phace Feat. Snoop Dogg (Video)
I love this mess for all the wrong reasons. Doll Phace makes an even less convincing pop star than she did a music mogul, the song sounds like something Mya rejected in the late '90s and Snoop's bored rap makes his legendarily awful contribution to "Get 'Em Girls" sound like Kanye West on "American Boy". Cult status awaits this memorable flop.
14. It's Alright - Kim Wilde (Video)
Poor Kim. Menopause has clearly fucked with her brain.
13. Hold It Against Me - Britney Spears (Video)
Why would you release this embarrassment to popular music when you had "Til The World Ends" and "I Wanna Go" in the can? From Britney's comatose vocal to the bad pun in the chorus, everything about "Hold It Against Me" is tired and pathetic. The album might have actually stood a chance if this ended up on a Kristine W album - where it belongs.
12. Fight For You - Jason Derulo (Video)
Jason Derulo rapes Toto's "Africa" in the year's most inappropriate bastardisation of an '80s classic. I guess someone forgot to tell JR Rotem's meal ticket that his latest upbeat club-banger is built around a song about starving children. Classy.
11. Born This Way - Lady Gaga (Video)
I don't really care that Lady Gaga stole the whole concept of "Born This Way" from Madonna. I can almost forgive Mother Monster for appointing herself the official spokesperson for GLBTI rights. But I can't overlook the fact it's a poorly constructed pop song with a tepid chorus, clumsy production and cringe-worthy lyrics. The beginning of the end.
10. Get It - Havana Brown (Video)
I got into all kinds of hot water when I reviewed "Get It" back in September. Which is stupid because I'm down with Havana. I just don't think shouting "get it, get it, get it" over the cheapest Eurobeat this side of Kiev constitutes pop music. Neither did radio or the Australian public, as it turns out.
9. Fly - Nicki Minaj Feat. Rihanna (Video)
In 2001 Gwen Stefani and Eve landed a knock-out punch for girl power with their still killer "Let Me Blow Ya Mind". Ten years later Onika and Rih-fund wandered around a crashed plane like a pair of low-rent clowns singing a clumsy self-empowerment with shit lyrics like "I wish today it would rain all day". I can't think of a more shocking illustration of how far the bar for urban/pop collaborations has been lowered.
8. Champagne Showers - LMFAO Feat. Natalia Kills (Video)
I guess it was only a matter of time before a song about taking a truckload of cum on your face hit the mainstream.
7. Gossip - Vanessa Amorosi (Video)
"Can't find my phone" is the single most embarrassing moment in Australian music history. What the fuck was Ness Ness thinking? My fave was on such a roll after "Hazardous" but this career-killer has kicked the poor bitch back to the RSL circuit. I hope the person responsible for choosing this travesty as a single is now working at McDonalds.
6. The Day You Went Away - Delta Goodrem (Live at ARIAs)
That cunt from Neighbours ruined Wendy Matthews' signature tune at the ARIAs with her sub-par vocals and then had the nerve to release it as a digital single to pay for her latest nose job. Avoid at all costs.
5. The Hardest Ever - will.i.am Feat. Mick Jagger and Jennifer Lopez (Video)
With a combined age of 375, the likelihood of these sad has-beens delivering something relevant was slim but I don't think anybody expected "The Hardest Ever" to be this terrible. On the bright side, will.i.am's latest bid for solo glory is over before it began. Maybe he can finally get cracking on Fergie's next album. You know, something that people actually want to hear.
4. Wet The Bed - Chris Brown Feat. Ludacris (Audio)
This song is not about incontinence. Think about it.
3. Hurt - Leona Lewis (Live on X Factor)
I almost feel sorry for the Sphinx. Her time is up and she knows it. "Glassheart" is destined for bargain bins - if it gets released at all - and a future of catering to the gays for pocket money awaits. This horrendous destruction of "Hurt" is a final bid at appealing to the housewives that bought "Bleeding Love" in droves but unfortunately they have moved on to Adele. Ciao, Leona! It's been real.
2. Just (The Tip) - Plies Feat. Jeremih and Ludacris (Audio)
Oh joy. A romantic slow jam about pressuring your lady into anal sex. Don't worry, girls - Plies just wants to use the tip! I wonder if they'll play this on Love Song Dedications With Richard Mercer.
1. All We Have - Natalie Bassingthwaigte (Below)
"On The Floor" as covered by a senior citizen with the help of the worst production team Australia has to offer.